Live Animal Disposal Etiquette

In keeping with the ridiculous sign theme, things one’s been on my mind for a while. As in, something other than the very, very bright sun that keeps me up at night.
“What does this mean?” I asked myself when I first saw this outside the local transfer station. “It couldn’t be that, could it?” After pondering this over the course of several months, I’ve come to the conclusion that yes, this sign could only mean that.
We’ve all heard stories of people dispatching unwanted pets. (Especially the Falcons fans among us.) But apparently in Fairbanks this phenomenon was occurring with sufficient frequently so as to warrant design, manufacture, and installation of custom signage explicitly reminding the citizenry that disposing of live animals in dumpster is not appropriate behavior. Yikes.

Help Pastor + Win Automatic Weapons = Biggest No-Brainer in the History of Earth

So one day I walked into the break room at work, poured myself a cup of coffee, and then laughed my ass off as I saw this flyer for the first time. To be honest I was a bit surprised at my own amusement. After about 16 months and Fairbanks I’ve grown immune to a lot of this ridiculousness. It’s only once in a while that I still catch myself and think, “WTF?” Which is a little disconcerting.
My intent in starting a blog last year was to document ridiculous Fairbanks things as a means to 1) vent my incredulity; 2) communicate to friends back home the specific things that I find so funny about this place; 3) keep myself rooted in some semblance of my former reality; and 4) get laid. O.k., I made at least one of those things up. But that’s beside the point, which is basically that I’m very grateful that someone posted this flyer in our break room. Sort of snapped me back to reality while simultaneously renewing my urge to share this random crap with others. So, thank you crazy gun raffle man, whoever you are. I hope one of your $100 tickets wins you the biggest, loudest, shiniest gun they make.
(As a side note – Pastor “Bearup”? Really? Is this like “Cowboy up” only with bearing arms instead of gay baseball players in red stockings? Just a thought. I mean, frankly, it sounds made up….)

Frozen Gore

As we all know, global warming is a hoax invented by Al Gore* in order to make money on speaking tours and movies that no one in Fairbanks has or will ever see. I mean, if it’s cold during winter here in interior Alaska, it is therefore impossible that cumulative worldwide temperatures could possible be in flux. And don’t try to sell me that “climate change” tune that the liberal media has been singing lately. (What a flip flop!) They said warming and that means tropical beach in Fairbanks within the next year or we ain’t buying it. Anyway, we in Fairbanks aren’t afraid to call a fellow out when need be. And we in Fairbanks know just how calling a fellow out should be done – by constructing a caricature of the offending person’s head out of ice, and placing it on a busy street corner.

Mr. Gore, you are on notice! www.frozengore.com

*Come to think of it, between this and the internet, Al Gore must rank right up there with Edison in terms of lucrative inventions….

Mt. Aurora Ski-Land

You know that fluorescent pink, neon yellow, and aqua-marine ski gear that people used to wear in the 80s? Ever wonder where all that stuff went? Well, I found it – Mt. Aurora Ski-land, just north of Fairbanks, AK. It’s like a little slice of heaven where ski equipment goes after it dies. Like a giant, moving yard sale with a $30 admission fee. Like if Warren Miller had directed “Napolean Dynamite”.

But enough about the gear. Everyone’s favorite feature of Fairbank’s premier ski resort is the lift (yes, singular). Given the efficient design and classic appearance of this chairlift, I have no doubt but that at placed in the Top 3 of a 6^th grade science fair. In 1953.

Inside the lodge itself, the amenities are a bit more modern, and include a VCR and several cassette tapes to liven the ambience for even the most fickle après-ski crowd. The restroom facilities, located in a separate outdoor trailer, are lovely, and allow the user to bask in a soothing glow red-tinted light bulbs. It is unclear whether the red lights indicate the availability of restroom-based prostitutes or were instead intended to allow patrons to develop their downhill action photographs while dropping frozen anchor into the permafrost below; either way it’s a great feature and a lesson for resorts everywhere.

All kidding aside, though, Skiland is a nice place to scratch that downhill skiing itch in a charming, douchebaggery-free setting.

Trucks!!!

Ownership of an obnoxiously large and loud pick-up truck is nearly a pre-requisite of life as a man (or woman) in Fairbanks. The benefits of truck ownership are clear.

First, owning a 4,000 pound vehicle offers significant safety advantages when crashing into a moose or smaller and therefore inferior vehicle. This advantage is sufficient to render defensive or “safe” driving on Fairbank’s notoriously icy roads completely unnecessary.

Second, a high perch and superfluous horsepower enable truck drivers to develop and disseminate large volumes of disdain and pent-up frustration towards smaller, fuel-efficient cars and the pussies who drive them.

And third (the final and most definitive argument), Truck Nutz© look much better on an F-350 than your Honda.

These advantages clearly outweigh illogical concerns such as getting double-digit gas mileage, being able to afford one’s payments, and, in most cases, having four or all-wheel drive on roads covered in snow and ice nine months a year and mud the other three.

Git ‘er dun!

Temperature Inversions

Throughout most of the winter an interesting meteorological phenomenon controls the whether, mood and even the land use patterns and real estate market of the Fairbanks area. You probably remember from high school science class that cold air has a higher density than warm air. This basic concept has interesting application in frigid Interior Alaska, where bitterly cold air dominates the winter weather scene. As weather fronts languish over the huge land mass that I now loosely refer to as home, there is minimal infusion or circulation of new air. Cold air quickly settles downward into the river valleys and other low-lying areas of Fairbanks proper, and remains there indefinitely. The ensuing stratification of air temperatures means that nearby hills can enjoy ambient temperatures up to twenty degrees warmer than the valleys, turning ridgelines and upper hillsides into prime real estate. Often, the first question asked of a friend moving to a new residence is “How high is it?” And for good reason. A mid-winter run to the outhouse is far more comfortable, though perhaps somewhat less interesting scientifically, at 0 degrees Fahrenheit than at -20.

Footnote: Interestingly, it is very easy to discern the current altitude of the cold air/less cold air boundary from any point a few miles away from town, simply by looking to the shape and height of the plumes emanating from a large smoke stack. The white smoke will creep slowly upwards until it reaches the altitude of the next higher air mass, at which point it will veer sharply in a perpendicular direction. I’m not sure of the exact science behind this, but I do know that when the smoke travels in a high-reaching straight line before dissipating, it’s a sign of relatively mild weather. But when the smoke only climbs a few hundred feet before abruptly forming a right angle, you’re screwed.

Outhouse theory

Building outhouses is not only easy, but also fun! Here’s a great recipe for TCOB in the AK:

HOLE IN GROUND (mandatory, self-explanatory)

PERCH ABOVE HOLE (essential). A plywood bench with second hole – simply employ Sawzall, personal discretion

FOUR WALLS, CEILING (optional) – Note that in some locals, three walls will not only suffice, but may also offer certain advantages, i.e. superior ventilation and views of the northern lights, to enhance pooping.

STYROFOAM (essential). This feature offers several cold-resistant properties that provide both comfort as well as a substantially-decreased risk of becoming affixed to your aforementioned perch in -40F temperatures.

T.P. (essential, self-explanatory)

SAWDUST (utility remains unknown) – Still haven’t figured this one out. Think you might be supposed to dump some down the hole once in a while to aid in decomposition. Standard selection of cedar chips may offer advantages in terms of ambient air conditions.

CINDERBLOCK (optional). Depending on height of perch, can offer superior comfort as footrest.

MAGAZINES (optional, self-explanatory)

LIGHT (recommended). My current set up comes complete with strung Christmas-style lights, on-off switch. Lets bears know exactly where you are, thereby aiding mauling bids.

DECORATIONS (optional). Currently, a dishtowel depicting pastoral scene with ducks provides engaging and relaxing atmosphere.